Noodles in ambrosia

There is a cuisine available across China that is one of the finest in the world. Fortunately for me, this cuisine is also available across my street. And fortunately, it involves little or no bones, entrails, gizzards or scrotums, as far as I can tell.

It is the food of the mid-Asian Muslims, though it may as well be the food of the gods. If Mohammad, Jesus, Siddharthra and Elvis were fixing up a place to dine, it would be no great surprise if they settled on one of these joints. Mohammad would be pleased by the ban on alcohol, Jesus would be relieved by the kosher menu, Siddharthra would dig the spartan surroundings, and there'd be enough fatty acids for Elvis to maintain his holy girth.

Yep, it's the damned finest and danged heartiest food you can ever hope to eat on a lymph-chillingly damp Shanghai winter's day. And it's cheap.

The scene is pretty much the same in the tiny and reassuringly tatty restaurants that dot most of the residential streets in my locality. Outside you will find a couple of huge, steaming steel pots, one filled with a cholesterol-laden stock, the other a receptacle for the fresh noodles that you can see being stretched before your very eyes in an eternally magical dance between man and flour.

Step through the permanently open sliding doors to be greeted by the sight of people hunched over steaming bowls of noodles, eagerly slurping the boiling goodness into their faces. The noodles are the selling point – presented in a soupy broth with chunks of beef, corriander and spring onions. The broth also comes by itself as an entree and, full of starch and msg, possibly has the highest good taste to unhealthiness ratio of anything you'll put in your mouth. I have just recently come off a fairly long-term addiction to the stuff.

But if you're not in the mood for oodles of noodles, there is still plenty on offer, conveniently presented in a pictorial 'point and say "那个" (that one)' format. Nearly all involve stupidly tasty bits of mutton or beef (again the msg), and there's even an approximation of spaghetti bolognese. With noodles, of course.

Do not be put off if the cleanliness of your chosen restaurant leaves something to be desired – this just shows that the family who run it are one hundred per cent focused on your taste experience. But if you're a germaphobe, try not to sit facing the kitchen.

If they haven't already, then someone should bring this cuisine to the UK. But then it'd probably be ten thousand times times more hygienic, ten thousand times more expensive, and the thousand times worse than the proper ones.

Health & safety is such a drag.